yeah. this is alright.
but already i'm missing killian, like a lot a lot. not to sound gay, but i was physically attracted to him. I MEAN. he's probably one of my best friends. he's only been gone for what, 2 or 3 weeks, but it already seems like he's been gone forever. and tom leaves on sunday. two of my real close friends, off in a distant land, and the only way i'll get to see them is through visits. not the hangouts on the regular, not getting fucked up and then watching the simpsons, not any of that shit. shit has changed. shit will continue to change. and this is only the beginning.
the fact of the matter is, all of my closest friends in chicago, who i've spent the past 4 or so years with, are leaving or intend to leave in the near future. what can i say? i befriended travellers. i was never much up on that, and i gave it very little thought. and now, i seem to be left in the dust. get sad.
i dunno, it just really sucks. was i the only one content with living in chicago? i feel like everyone's desire to move came out of nowhere. i remember at kei's place maybe a year back, we were playing "would you?", and the question came up: for some insane amount of money, would you stay in chicago for the rest of your life, never to ever leave, not even for vacation? i quickly answered yes. obviously. this city has everything and i could ever want and i'd be rich to do whatever, whenever. EVERYONE ELSE said they wouldn't. i was surprised. i was dumbfounded that people would pass up riches to get away from a pretty decent city, just to be able to live lives outside of this.
maybe i am an underachiever. maybe i was meant to dream low and within my limits. maybe my parents never fed me anything outside of a stark reality. no i can't blame anyone but myself, really. that wouldn't be fair. my mind, body, and soul became attached to chicago. it's just sad that the people i developed relationships with here didn't feel as attached as i did.
at this juncture i have dreams of doing peace corps, but i'd only do that much much down the line. i thought about it rationally and i'd like to take care of my loans before i did anything like leave the country, and that'll take 5 years. but wanting to leave the country like all my friends have sort of came about only after i found out i'd be the only one left. there i go again, basing my plans on other people's plans. i'm such a biter.
at least in the meantime i have a handful of good friends still in chicago, not to mention this chick who smells good.
but already i'm missing killian, like a lot a lot. not to sound gay, but i was physically attracted to him. I MEAN. he's probably one of my best friends. he's only been gone for what, 2 or 3 weeks, but it already seems like he's been gone forever. and tom leaves on sunday. two of my real close friends, off in a distant land, and the only way i'll get to see them is through visits. not the hangouts on the regular, not getting fucked up and then watching the simpsons, not any of that shit. shit has changed. shit will continue to change. and this is only the beginning.
the fact of the matter is, all of my closest friends in chicago, who i've spent the past 4 or so years with, are leaving or intend to leave in the near future. what can i say? i befriended travellers. i was never much up on that, and i gave it very little thought. and now, i seem to be left in the dust. get sad.
i dunno, it just really sucks. was i the only one content with living in chicago? i feel like everyone's desire to move came out of nowhere. i remember at kei's place maybe a year back, we were playing "would you?", and the question came up: for some insane amount of money, would you stay in chicago for the rest of your life, never to ever leave, not even for vacation? i quickly answered yes. obviously. this city has everything and i could ever want and i'd be rich to do whatever, whenever. EVERYONE ELSE said they wouldn't. i was surprised. i was dumbfounded that people would pass up riches to get away from a pretty decent city, just to be able to live lives outside of this.
maybe i am an underachiever. maybe i was meant to dream low and within my limits. maybe my parents never fed me anything outside of a stark reality. no i can't blame anyone but myself, really. that wouldn't be fair. my mind, body, and soul became attached to chicago. it's just sad that the people i developed relationships with here didn't feel as attached as i did.
at this juncture i have dreams of doing peace corps, but i'd only do that much much down the line. i thought about it rationally and i'd like to take care of my loans before i did anything like leave the country, and that'll take 5 years. but wanting to leave the country like all my friends have sort of came about only after i found out i'd be the only one left. there i go again, basing my plans on other people's plans. i'm such a biter.
at least in the meantime i have a handful of good friends still in chicago, not to mention this chick who smells good.
i've uploaded new pictures to my flickr account. click on the pictures link above to check them out. (warning: pictures are disgustingly adorable. not for the bitter.)
life is good, but life is bad. you know how in that one psychological experiment you can see either a rabbit head or a duck head in the picture, but never both at the same time? it's the same way with joy and sadness, i think. i'm happy and/or distracted enough when i'm with her, but once she leaves my side i remember everything. all the shit my friends are going through, all my friends leaving chicago, past events, etc. even if i tried to think of happy, joyous, impeccably perfect scenarios, the bad will always outweigh any notion of good. it's impossible to be happy without getting rid of all the things that make you sad. and it's a constant battle, fluctuation. and i don't think it's healthy.
she does make me happy tho. and right now, i can deal with any sadness as long as i get moments with her; it's good enough for me.
she does make me happy tho. and right now, i can deal with any sadness as long as i get moments with her; it's good enough for me.
happy new year. 2006 will yield zero tricks;
>>>> this one's optimistic <<<<
SO teh goodness.
>>>> this one's optimistic <<<<
SO teh goodness.