if you click on the "pictures" link on the right you'll go to my photobucket instead of flickr. flickr's got a dumb 200 photo limit whereas photobucket gives you 1 GB. be easaaaaay.
in my inevitable and perpetual inability to sleep last night, i realized that my problems become her problems, and vice versa. i think we're beyond the stage where we can use each other as an escape. i'm beginning to feel guilty that my recent frustrations and problems are wearing her down, and more and more i'm feeling conscious pressure to make her happy. i guess i gotta work out my own shit first before i can even think of doing that.
0 comments
1/19/07 4:34 PM 
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2007/01/16/MNG2MNJBIM1.DTL
he was so innocent. the only thing he could hold onto for security and comfort was his video game.
he was so innocent. the only thing he could hold onto for security and comfort was his video game.
2 comments
1/11/07 3:03 AM
god, it's so damn late. i have to get ready for work in 3 hours. i still don't think i'm ready to go back into the office because i'm still in vacation mode. i'll worry about that later.
whenever i'm online this late at night, i snoop. i look at people's blogs who i haven't spoken to in a minute, and i browse friends' myspace pages even tho i don't have myspace (i still know how to navigate to find certain people; and if their profile is private, i am usually still able to find a working cached copy via google or archive.org).
it's only late at night when i become infatuated with certain people. my curiosity gets the best of me and i begin to piece together as much as i can about a person. when i investigate people this late, it's almost like contextualizing a person differently. all of a sudden people are not just things that get in your way or unapologetically push you as they walk in the opposite direction. they now have feelings and emotions that i can see as legitimate. i'd normally say feelings and emotions are for complete losers who have their heads in the clouds, but not this late. not at this hour.
usually i'm vague about posts like this so that no one's feelings get hurt or whatever shit, but i think it's important to be specific to an extent for this example. one of the people i snoop on is ruby's ex-boyfriend. yeah, i know it's creepy, not to mention unhealthy. and yet i do it anyway. and i can't help it. he's sort of been there since the beginning of our relationship and, quite frankly, knowing that he exists, i could never NOT snoop (this is why i kept most of my relationship history to myself- for the sake of ruby's sanity). i'm kinda angry that i had to know him at all, but thank god she hasn't told me about any of her other ex's, who sound like total rejects to begin with. in any case...
since i've had the pleasure of being introduced to him, i've felt obligated to myself to constantly compare myself to him. i looked at him as this complete and utter tool/nerd-ass dork that made me wonder how he was not a virgin (i'll thank ruby for those details later...). i absolutely despised this kid. everything about him. his hideously disgusting face. his "oh i'm so sad and lonely and nobody gets me" blog entries. i despised the idea that anyone outside of his family could care for him, and that people would buy his schtick. i hated this kid. and with no specific reason. he never did me any harm and was more or less polite when i talked to him. but i've had dreams where i tear out his oh-so-punk lip ring and shove it into his eye socket. i was a typical jealous boyfriend (something i'm still dealing with today).
but tonight i don't feel that way about him. tonight i contextualized him as a human being. yeah, he's sad and lonely. because he lost a great girl. i'd be xEmo4BoyBandZx too in his situation, in all honesty. after reading his blog and his myspace tonight, i realized we actually have a lot in common. we're essentially the same person, and we react to situations the same way (sagittarius's can smell our own kind). it wasn't fair of me to hate this guy in and of the fact that he was my girlfriend's boyfriend. and it sure as hell wasn't fair for me to give ruby the ultimatum of staying friends with him vs. being with me. that was a huge mistake that i regret to this day. the bottom line is, i don't think he's a tool. he's just a confused person with many issues to sort out, but he meant no harm from the beginning.
i still compare myself to him today. i still sometimes wonder if he was a better boyfriend than i am. if he made her cry as often as i have. if he was better, romantically. my own insecurities constantly make me compare myself to him. i wonder about the goodness that ruby saw in him so that i could try to emulate that. i wonder what made her break up with him in the first place so i can avoid doing that. maybe it's the hour of the night that's making me wonder like this.
but i know i'm going to wake up forgetting i ever felt sympathy for him.
whenever i'm online this late at night, i snoop. i look at people's blogs who i haven't spoken to in a minute, and i browse friends' myspace pages even tho i don't have myspace (i still know how to navigate to find certain people; and if their profile is private, i am usually still able to find a working cached copy via google or archive.org).
it's only late at night when i become infatuated with certain people. my curiosity gets the best of me and i begin to piece together as much as i can about a person. when i investigate people this late, it's almost like contextualizing a person differently. all of a sudden people are not just things that get in your way or unapologetically push you as they walk in the opposite direction. they now have feelings and emotions that i can see as legitimate. i'd normally say feelings and emotions are for complete losers who have their heads in the clouds, but not this late. not at this hour.
usually i'm vague about posts like this so that no one's feelings get hurt or whatever shit, but i think it's important to be specific to an extent for this example. one of the people i snoop on is ruby's ex-boyfriend. yeah, i know it's creepy, not to mention unhealthy. and yet i do it anyway. and i can't help it. he's sort of been there since the beginning of our relationship and, quite frankly, knowing that he exists, i could never NOT snoop (this is why i kept most of my relationship history to myself- for the sake of ruby's sanity). i'm kinda angry that i had to know him at all, but thank god she hasn't told me about any of her other ex's, who sound like total rejects to begin with. in any case...
since i've had the pleasure of being introduced to him, i've felt obligated to myself to constantly compare myself to him. i looked at him as this complete and utter tool/nerd-ass dork that made me wonder how he was not a virgin (i'll thank ruby for those details later...). i absolutely despised this kid. everything about him. his hideously disgusting face. his "oh i'm so sad and lonely and nobody gets me" blog entries. i despised the idea that anyone outside of his family could care for him, and that people would buy his schtick. i hated this kid. and with no specific reason. he never did me any harm and was more or less polite when i talked to him. but i've had dreams where i tear out his oh-so-punk lip ring and shove it into his eye socket. i was a typical jealous boyfriend (something i'm still dealing with today).
but tonight i don't feel that way about him. tonight i contextualized him as a human being. yeah, he's sad and lonely. because he lost a great girl. i'd be xEmo4BoyBandZx too in his situation, in all honesty. after reading his blog and his myspace tonight, i realized we actually have a lot in common. we're essentially the same person, and we react to situations the same way (sagittarius's can smell our own kind). it wasn't fair of me to hate this guy in and of the fact that he was my girlfriend's boyfriend. and it sure as hell wasn't fair for me to give ruby the ultimatum of staying friends with him vs. being with me. that was a huge mistake that i regret to this day. the bottom line is, i don't think he's a tool. he's just a confused person with many issues to sort out, but he meant no harm from the beginning.
i still compare myself to him today. i still sometimes wonder if he was a better boyfriend than i am. if he made her cry as often as i have. if he was better, romantically. my own insecurities constantly make me compare myself to him. i wonder about the goodness that ruby saw in him so that i could try to emulate that. i wonder what made her break up with him in the first place so i can avoid doing that. maybe it's the hour of the night that's making me wonder like this.
but i know i'm going to wake up forgetting i ever felt sympathy for him.
click on the pictures link to the right to check out pics from berkeley, oakland, san francisco and monterey.
thanks azeem and jo for the hospitality. hopefully we can come by again soon :)
/me and ruby have been going out for 1 year as of 1/8/07. woot!
//congrats to abbu and shifali on the engagement!!
thanks azeem and jo for the hospitality. hopefully we can come by again soon :)
/me and ruby have been going out for 1 year as of 1/8/07. woot!
//congrats to abbu and shifali on the engagement!!