some interesting blog comments i'd received this past week:
comment #1: you're such a fag.
comment #2: hey .. fag! you're such a fucking loser you fag. i hate you.
comment #3: hey bitch, are you reading my comments? i fucking hate you.
comment #4: hey bitch i'm watching you.
i feel so...so...SPECIAL! :)
71.194.214.55 - - [17/Feb/2007:21:05:43 -0500] "GET / HTTP/1.1" 200 10523 "-" "Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 7.0; Windows NT 5.1; .NET CLR 1.1.4322; .NET CLR 2.0.50727)"
this guy is obviously a gigantic tool if he uses IE7. what are you, inbred? not to mention his ip address tells me he's either from or near elmhurst, and that he has comcast internet. prolly lives with his parents, to boot.
if i know who you are and this is a prank, it was a good prank. but you're still an asshole for using IE7 and living in elmhurst. and you're already getting your just desserts by getting ripped off by scamcast. if this is a real stalker who has a mad crush on me, i'm, well....flattered. who knows, people have met their life partners in stranger ways, am i right?
comment #1: you're such a fag.
comment #2: hey .. fag! you're such a fucking loser you fag. i hate you.
comment #3: hey bitch, are you reading my comments? i fucking hate you.
comment #4: hey bitch i'm watching you.
i feel so...so...SPECIAL! :)
71.194.214.55 - - [17/Feb/2007:21:05:43 -0500] "GET / HTTP/1.1" 200 10523 "-" "Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 7.0; Windows NT 5.1; .NET CLR 1.1.4322; .NET CLR 2.0.50727)"
this guy is obviously a gigantic tool if he uses IE7. what are you, inbred? not to mention his ip address tells me he's either from or near elmhurst, and that he has comcast internet. prolly lives with his parents, to boot.
if i know who you are and this is a prank, it was a good prank. but you're still an asshole for using IE7 and living in elmhurst. and you're already getting your just desserts by getting ripped off by scamcast. if this is a real stalker who has a mad crush on me, i'm, well....flattered. who knows, people have met their life partners in stranger ways, am i right?
0 comments
2/13/07 8:29 PM 
it was mostly because of me. i couldn't stand my actions in the relationship.
the reason she changed was because i wanted her to change, and she probably doesn't even realize it. without explicitly stating it, i wanted her to accommodate me. i called her out on everything i saw as a fault. toward the end i told her i wanted to hang out more with her friends because we'd been focusing on mine, when in the past i've shown a bit of backlash toward people she'd introduced me to. i also told her to be more independent, but when looking back, i treated her as if she were nothing but dependent. i even went as far as to say i didn't know anything about her because everything we'd done to this point has been revolved around me. i should be so lucky to have someone who would be that willing to participate in my activities! the very things i wanted to change in her were my own doing, because i didn't know what i wanted from the relationship. after a certain point, i just hated who i'd become.
and she was even willing to accept my harsh criticism, and try to be the girl that i wanted. when i realized she'd do anything to be with me, and that i'd never be satisfied, i knew that there was a possibility that i wasn't in it wholeheartedly. i was making her sad, and for no particular reason. this began to upset me. when she cried during our last hangout, at the time i thought i was angry at her. i was angry that she'd become so attached to me and dependent that it was agonizing for her not to see me for a few weeks. turns out, the reason i was angry was because i wasn't as upset as she was when we were apart. i was really pissed off when i realized that i didn't know if i loved her as much as she did me. i always believed i did, but i never questioned it. when it dawned on me that there was even a possibility that she loved me more than i loved her, i knew i had to do it.
i didn't know what i wanted. and i knew no matter how much she changed, no matter how much she proved to me that she loved me, i'd still find faults. i'd never be happy. i ended the only good relationship i've ever had because i couldn't accept who she was. and she never did anything to deserve that.
the reason she changed was because i wanted her to change, and she probably doesn't even realize it. without explicitly stating it, i wanted her to accommodate me. i called her out on everything i saw as a fault. toward the end i told her i wanted to hang out more with her friends because we'd been focusing on mine, when in the past i've shown a bit of backlash toward people she'd introduced me to. i also told her to be more independent, but when looking back, i treated her as if she were nothing but dependent. i even went as far as to say i didn't know anything about her because everything we'd done to this point has been revolved around me. i should be so lucky to have someone who would be that willing to participate in my activities! the very things i wanted to change in her were my own doing, because i didn't know what i wanted from the relationship. after a certain point, i just hated who i'd become.
and she was even willing to accept my harsh criticism, and try to be the girl that i wanted. when i realized she'd do anything to be with me, and that i'd never be satisfied, i knew that there was a possibility that i wasn't in it wholeheartedly. i was making her sad, and for no particular reason. this began to upset me. when she cried during our last hangout, at the time i thought i was angry at her. i was angry that she'd become so attached to me and dependent that it was agonizing for her not to see me for a few weeks. turns out, the reason i was angry was because i wasn't as upset as she was when we were apart. i was really pissed off when i realized that i didn't know if i loved her as much as she did me. i always believed i did, but i never questioned it. when it dawned on me that there was even a possibility that she loved me more than i loved her, i knew i had to do it.
i didn't know what i wanted. and i knew no matter how much she changed, no matter how much she proved to me that she loved me, i'd still find faults. i'd never be happy. i ended the only good relationship i've ever had because i couldn't accept who she was. and she never did anything to deserve that.
0 comments
2/12/07 11:47 AM
i feel like i betrayed my best friend.
she walked away from our conversations thinking that i didn't love her. and maybe i gave her that impression just so it wouldn't be so hard. but i'll tell you one thing: i wouldn't be worrying about how she's doing right now if i didn't love her.
i cannot function. it's eating me up inside. i had to take a half day today and all of tomorrow off because this is the only thing my brain can handle at this moment. literally everything reminds me of her. my google personalized page which shows my email has 3 conversations i had with her (i'm going to miss her emails so fucking much). she's left recent comments on my blog. the pictures from the bay area. and just looking around my room, everything screams ruby. she was such a huge part of my life.
this immense amount of guilt won't go away anytime soon. i cried last night thinking about her tone of voice on the phone as she was thinking outloud by repeating herself numerous times about the situation, because neither of us had anything to say at that point. i also cried because of how much she didn't want to let go, even though i believed it was the right thing to do. right now i can't stand myself. and i miss her so incredibly right now. but it had to be done.
i know. doing this the weekend before valentine's day is cold-hearted. but i simply didn't want us to go on this way. something had to be said, because neither of us were happy. ruby said she would change all these things about herself, and that everything would be all better. i really wanted to just say okay so that we could go on living our lives, but a) i really doubted that scenario since we have a nagging tendency to go back to our old ways, and b) i didn't want ruby to have to change who she was in this relationship a second time on my behalf. it wouldn't be fair to either of us.
if it didn't happen the way it happened this weekend, it essentially would have been pushed back and pushed back some more until one of us exploded. it was just a matter of time. ruby couldn't stand to be apart (both of us are living with our parents, which yielded less alone time, and this was one of the bigger circumstances), and i doubt she'd get used to it. being together was all we knew. and i knew myself that nothing would change until i said something. on top of that, we really had different ideas about what this relationship meant. i do believe that she deserves someone who can be there as often as she needs him. prolonging this conversation would have eventually taken its toll on both of us. we had to confront one another about everything.
out of all of this, i really hope i don't lose a friend. she's one of the most supportive people i've ever met, and she would go to the ends of the world to make me happy. and i'd do the same for her, but together we weren't happy.
i simply had to do it.
if you're reading this ruby, i hope you can someday understand why i did it. you deserve more than i'm capable of giving right now.
she walked away from our conversations thinking that i didn't love her. and maybe i gave her that impression just so it wouldn't be so hard. but i'll tell you one thing: i wouldn't be worrying about how she's doing right now if i didn't love her.
i cannot function. it's eating me up inside. i had to take a half day today and all of tomorrow off because this is the only thing my brain can handle at this moment. literally everything reminds me of her. my google personalized page which shows my email has 3 conversations i had with her (i'm going to miss her emails so fucking much). she's left recent comments on my blog. the pictures from the bay area. and just looking around my room, everything screams ruby. she was such a huge part of my life.
this immense amount of guilt won't go away anytime soon. i cried last night thinking about her tone of voice on the phone as she was thinking outloud by repeating herself numerous times about the situation, because neither of us had anything to say at that point. i also cried because of how much she didn't want to let go, even though i believed it was the right thing to do. right now i can't stand myself. and i miss her so incredibly right now. but it had to be done.
i know. doing this the weekend before valentine's day is cold-hearted. but i simply didn't want us to go on this way. something had to be said, because neither of us were happy. ruby said she would change all these things about herself, and that everything would be all better. i really wanted to just say okay so that we could go on living our lives, but a) i really doubted that scenario since we have a nagging tendency to go back to our old ways, and b) i didn't want ruby to have to change who she was in this relationship a second time on my behalf. it wouldn't be fair to either of us.
if it didn't happen the way it happened this weekend, it essentially would have been pushed back and pushed back some more until one of us exploded. it was just a matter of time. ruby couldn't stand to be apart (both of us are living with our parents, which yielded less alone time, and this was one of the bigger circumstances), and i doubt she'd get used to it. being together was all we knew. and i knew myself that nothing would change until i said something. on top of that, we really had different ideas about what this relationship meant. i do believe that she deserves someone who can be there as often as she needs him. prolonging this conversation would have eventually taken its toll on both of us. we had to confront one another about everything.
out of all of this, i really hope i don't lose a friend. she's one of the most supportive people i've ever met, and she would go to the ends of the world to make me happy. and i'd do the same for her, but together we weren't happy.
i simply had to do it.
if you're reading this ruby, i hope you can someday understand why i did it. you deserve more than i'm capable of giving right now.
i had to do it. we're simply different people who expected different things from one another. so why do i feel so low?
goodbye ruby.
goodbye ruby.